The Ginger race was said to have originated in Africa and made its way Northwest, eventually poisoning its way into Scotland. The Gingers invaded Scotland in 3600BCE and scarred history forever by breeding with the indigenous Scottish people. This created the Daywalker: a half-normal/half-soulless mutant abomination. Unlike pure Gingers, Daywalkers can have little to no hideous freckles or red hair, and can withstand exposure to the sun. Daywalkers can be even more dangerous as they are harder to recognize as the Ginger race yet they are also hollow soulless-shells that resemble normal people. (Origin and History http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Ginger).
Gingers have red hair because they are marked by the Devil. If you do come across a Ginger, DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! The Ginger releases spores into the air that can collect in your heart and engulf your soul causing yourself to become infected with Gingervitus (the disease of red hair). So far the only known cure is suicide. What to do if you find a Ginger (http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Ginger)
It should be a well known fact that redheaded “people” a.k.a “Gingers” do not have souls, and yet nobody seems to talk about this brutal issue. I am a
Gingerologist. For the past 15 years I have been active in the field of Gingerology (the study of the terrifyingly tragic disease Gingervitus, that rapes its redheaded host of a soul). I recently returned home from an almost fatal mission in Perth, Scotland. Perth has a population of 43,450, according to the 2001 census. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perth,_Scotland). It is estimated that 13% of the Scottish population is born infected with the Ginger disease, and 40% carries the recessive gene. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_hair).
During my 3 month stay in the eerie Scottish town I experienced 10 encounters of the 1st kind (visual contact) and 1 encounter of the 4th kind (physical contact) with some of the native Gingers.
I was lodged in a small motel on the eastern border of Perth where it is said to have the highest concentration of Gingers, hence the highest number of Ginger sightings in the world. I spent the first four nights since my arrival preparing my living quarters with garlic, holy water, florescent lights, and mirrors. The garlic and holy water is placed around the perimeter out of superstition but the lights and mirrors are imperative to one’s survival. It is a fact that Gingers can only survive direct light for “five minutes at most, and if the day is overcast, 6 minutes tops”. Anatomy (http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Ginger). The mirrors of course are to scare the
Ginger to death from its own reflection, due to their pug-ugly faces. I was ever so lucky to have finished preparing my motel room with the correct safety-tools by the fourth day, because early the fifth morning they came. I hadn’t even had time to prepare the bait of baby carrots “if you feed a Ginger a baby carrot it will befriend you for life.” Anatomy
(http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Ginger). I had once read during my studies in
Africa that Gingers cannot detect you if you show no movement; I’d like to refute that statement at this time. The clock read 3:33AM as the start of the encounter of the 4th kind took place. First, there was a bright orange glow out the northern left windows of my room, so I put on my polarized glasses to help protect my eyes from the radiation that Gingers give off. Second was the bone-chilling demonic lullaby that the Ginger children seductively moan before they are about to feast. I stood completely still as the moans grew louder. I was equally as excited as I was scared to see the truth about my past fifteen years of research. My heart started to beat louder than the hungry-lullaby, but I told myself I was going to be alright as long as I stayed still. Untrue. I could see their eyes ablaze through the front room windows. There must have been 35-40 blue/red eyes starring at me. Even in my statuesque pose, I was spotted. Either that or they smelled my fear. Science is still inconclusive on the classification of Gingers due to controversy over if they are protected under the human or animal rights laws; not too many Ginger corpses have been found nor dissected for research.
I don’t even remember the sound of a door or a window being opened, but now they were inside my motel and making their way towards me. I took a deep breath and made a dash to the kitchen. My biggest regrets in life were flooding me to my core. “Why hadn’t I placed a handful of baby carrots in my pockets?” Just as I reached the fridge I felt a hand as cold as death graze my back. I managed to open the crisper door and grab the bag of baby carrots, but I thought it was too late. I could already hear their pathetic, desperate cries for attention and love. They asked me to join them in games of Halo and Dungeons and Dragons. They wanted to see Avatar in 3D, but only in an IMAX theater.
They used big words with a lisp. My ears and eyes began to bleed. I fell to my knees holding the bag of baby carrots as if a sacrifice. I prayed, and the sound of the lullaby grew to its most intense blood-curdling pitch. I thought I was a goner. Then it appeared to look like the knowledge I pertained about these “people” was paying off. They turned their drool-drenched freckled faces and fiery eyes away from my delicious “normal person” throat and began to munch on the baby carrots. And just like it states in the Uncyclopedia, we became best friends….
But there is always this: no matter how cute and cuddly a Ginger can appear, they are never to be trusted!! They are very good and appealing actors (Lindsey Lohan), and they will steal your soul and try to engage you in nerd games at the first chance they get. I now live my life in fear. My advice to you is never to visit Britain, Ireland, or Scotland. Ever. And always carry a baby carrot or two…you know what is waiting. Two names: Carrot Top, and Chuck Norris. Consider yourself warned….
Works Cited
Encyclopaedia Dramatica 2 Feb. 2010
Uncyclopedia 1 Feb. 2010
Wikipedia 2 Feb. 2010
Wikipedia 2 Feb. 2010
